Yeah, yeah...it's been a while since I blogged. That was by design. I was at a low-point, emotionally, and I needed to pick up the pieces. My pride was getting in the way. I wasn't the shining star that I envisioned myself to be. Yet, meeting the country's need for trained men and women is only one of the three goals within Peace Corps' mission. This pride, and the blow thereto, led me feeling jaded and that energy radiated into the environment. As promised, the universe gave me what I gave it. It's time to think outside of the box and choose to give and receive love, joy, and positivity. So, this post is for anyone who is going through a tough time, anyone considering the Peace Corps and doesn't understand what lies ahead, and the current PCV who is at a low point and needs some encouragement.
I walked around for months, crying "woe is me," as if people owed it to me to make my experience worthwhile (like, really, Candice? These people applied to work at my host country agency to make sure that Candice was happy? ... yeah, ok). The reality is that I came to this country to serve others, not so others could serve me. I started to become irritable and intolerant because things weren't going the way that I expected them to be going.
Then, I hit "rock bottom." I was emotionally spent and had nothing left to give, not even to myself. I was officially "sick and tired of being sick and tired. " I realized that, I could either pack my bags (and my pride) and go back home hoping that someone would overlook the fact that I'd literally dropped everything just to quit, OR I could refuse to go down without a fight. I chose the latter.
That day that I was at a low point, I spoke with my trusted mentor, vented to friends, prayed hard, listened to guided meditation videos on YouTube, and went to sleep. The next day, I decided that I was going to be "here," both physically and mentally. I decided to "put myself out there," and to be "all in" with this experience. Just like that, everything changed. I took one step forward, and the universe took four steps towards me.
I started noticing the small affections shared between strangers on the bus.
I started smiling at people who stared at me, and they gleefully smiled and waved back.
I reached out to locals whom I'd met previously to hang out, and we started having the time of our lives. I now have regular visitors in my home where we sip wine, eat Mongolian and American food, and learn about American and Mongolian culture (now I know slang and they know how to smack their lips like a diva).
People started inviting me to speak at the local Toastmasters' meetings and events.
My sitemate and I started hanging out more, and I started joining him every weekend to an orphanage where we teach the kids how to bake.
I prayed to have a closer fellowship with other Christians, and days later, a young woman walked up to me and invited me to come to her young women's bible study in her home. The room was filled with young female professionals from ages 21 - 40 years. I finally felt at home.
I started workout out more, and people are starting to notice a change in my shape (a little girl at the orphanage even said that I have a body like Beyonce, I was like "come here and give me a hug! You are my favorite little girl!!" hahaha).
My friend, who is a college language professor, invited me to come to his class to talk about America. They loved it, and I agreed to come back once a month.
My English class has dwindled down from 20 students to 6 students, but those 6 students are faithful and dedicated. I've noticed a drastic change since I first met them.
I've planned plenty of programs and trainings with my counterparts that never saw the light of day, but they learned how to plan an event in a more organized, efficient manner. It's the small victories that matter the most.
I've paused during several moments throughout the past few and said to myself, "I'm so happy." Like, when the PCVs and I were snowed-in a couple weeks ago during a project management training in the countryside...we went hiking, took pictures, and even had a dance club that night in a ger.
Another time, I went to karaoke with some volunteers and hunny, let me tell you, we had Mongolians burst in our room several times, dancing and clapping. Another night at karaoke, I remember feeling like the sassy diva I was born to be as me and this guy sang "Baby Boy" by Beyonce (who knew that song was so hard?!....reality sunk in once Sean Paul's part came up!).
Don't get me wrong, this isn't about me bragging about all of the stuff I'm doing in Mongolia. The point is, once my mentality changed, so did my circle, both people and things. Joy cannot depend on my circumstances. Joy is a decision, and it starts within. That is not to say that I don't have bad days. The difference is that, I can still be disappointed or angry about a situation and still have joy in my heart. It's what you do with the pain and anger that matters. I still love my life and wouldn't trade it for all the silver and gold in the world. All of the above happened in a matter of weeks. Anything is possible.