I try not to "check" folks who ask me invasive questions because I know that (1) they probably don't mean any harm, and (2) people will label me as an "angry black woman" (It's unfortunate that I have to consciously pick and choose what I stand for, and how I stand up to people for fear of judgment...).
I digress.
One thing that I've noticed, both in Mongolia and in America, is that people ask me when I will get married and have children. I've also noticed that people ask newlyweds whether and when they will have children. I have one answer to both of those questions:
It's none of your business.
Today, I decided to educate a young woman on these type of questions. Given that this isn't the first time that someone has posed this question to me and to my other friends, I felt it was necessary to make a public statement...one that's far more worthy than a facebook post.
There is more to life than getting married and having children. Being married does not make you happy, nor does it protect you from lonliness. I know plenty of women who are married and their husbands are cheating on them on a consistant basis. Having children does not give life meaning, guarantee that you leave a legacy, nor does it officially make you a woman (or man). I know plenty of mothers whose children are disrespectful and are in and out of the court system. What makes me a woman is the fact that I have a vagina. What gives life meaning are my volunteer work, my friends, my enemies, my successes, my failures, and the lessons learned through all of these factors. My legacy is the tiny lessons that I have shared with my mentees, the encouragement that I have given others to push through adversity, and the ministries I serve in.
That is a sensitive question for many men and women. I'll be 110% transparent and admit that I want nothing more than to get married and have children. At 29 years old, I'm knocking on 30 and am feeling the pressure. It is hurtful when people imply that there's something wrong with me because I'm single and that I need to do something differently. He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD (Proverbs 18:22). When the right one comes along, he will approach me and I will be ready. I can also imagine that it's hurtful for married couples to answer people's questions about when they are going to have children, when in reality they've tried to have children for years but have been unsuccessful. That can bring up hurtful realities of infertility, low sperm count, miscarriages, or other issues.
It's about God's will, not your (or my) will. I am a strong believer in God, and I know that He has a plan for me. My opinion or petition isn't going to speed up the process. God has put this desire into my spirit so that I purposefully work towards developing myself to be the best wife and mother that my husband and children deserve. The same goes for him - he is building himself to be the man whom I deserve. For now, I'm embarking on meaningful journeys, developing my career, and preparing my body to live a long life for my husband and children. If I never get married or have children, I've lost nothing, because I've been living a great life nonetheless.
My point is simple: personal questions are just that: it's personal. I am at peace with my life and God's will. When people ask me those types of questions I usually don't get offended and I will simply answer "I don't know, if it is supposed to happen, then it will happen." Yet, I think it's time that I people realize that not all people marry their high school or college sweethearts and have 4 children by the age of 30...just like not all people have 3 degrees and a big house in the suburbs. Not saying that these are mutually exclusive, but I don't ask people "when are you going to college?" or "don't you want to live in a bigger house?" because that may not be what they want in life, or have the means to acquire.
So the next time that you ask me "when are you going to get married?" have a tall, dark and handsome friend to introduce me to, mmm k?